From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Father Daughter Relationships

The family is a training ground for all future relationships. My Mother always told me..."Learn how to get along with your father and brother, and you'll know how to get along with your husband". I never fully understood her message until years later when I got married and set up housekeeping with my husband. It was then that I learned about compromise, commitment and consideration.

Fathers play an essential role in their daughter's lives. Many things are learned and many things are taught. Some of the most meaningful moments in a daughter's life are spent with her father. Here are a few of the things that a daughter needs to learn from her father...

"Dad respects me". A daughter's relationship with her father is usually her first male-female relationship. From Dad, little girls gain their first reflection of themselves as a female. They develop a sense of acceptance or non-acceptance; they feel valued or discounted. Self-respect is initially based upon respect received from others. Their self-concept as a female person is largely shaped by this early relationship. In short, children regard themselves as they think others regard them... and Dad is an important person in her life.
"It is safe to be affectionate with Dad". Daughters need to be able to relax, be affectionate, and know that they are safe with certain males. They need to be regarded as people, not sexual objects. When little girls develop modesty and learn that they have a right to privacy, they develop a healthy sense of boundaries. They learn how to say "no", which will be an essential interpersonal skill as they become more social. Dads can respect their daughters' boundaries by "shoulder hugs" and not making comments about physical characteristics.
"Men and women can negotiate fairly". Father-daughter relationships are an important place to learn how to negotiate fairly and compromise appropriately. When fathers exercise absolute authority, and rigidly set rules, daughters quickly learn to rebel. If a father is overly-critical and all-powerful, men become the enemy. If a father is fair and listens to his daughter's thoughts, she will gain self-confidence and pride in her own opinion.
"Women can be assertive without being aggressive". When daughters learn to communicate with their fathers, and trust that their opinion will count, they can develop self-assuredness which will allow them to be assertive and stand up for themselves. This is very different from aggressive reactions which stem from a sense of powerlessness and combativeness. It is important for dads to listen to their daughters and appreciate their views, even if they don't agree. When we listen to our children, they are more apt to listen to us and trust us when we impose restrictions.
"What to expect from a male-female relationship". Daughters learn about marriage from watching Mom and Dad. If parents treat each other well, this becomes the expectation. If Dad is a tyrant, then men are regarded as essentially bad. If Dad is alcoholic or abusive, men are considered to be people who are allowed to get out of control and be hurtful. The unconscious conclusion is... "If Dad treats me well, I am a worthwhile individual. If Dad rejects me or criticizes me, I am no good."

Usually, mothers serve as role models for their daughters. They provide examples of how to be an individual, a mother and a wife. Fathers, however, teach their daughters how to regard themselves, what kinds of relationships are healthy, what to look for in a partner, and what to expect of men in co-parenting relationships.

When dads are not part of their daughter's lives, father-substitutes can sometimes meet these needs, but like the motto of the medical profession says...."First, do no harm".

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Last Updated October 18, 1998 by Gary M. Grandon, Ph.D.