From Dr. Jane's Notebook

Just When I Thought I Was In Control

Several times during the past month, I thought I had settled on a topic for this article. I usually like to write about some distinctive issue of the month. But this month, life continued to outdo itself, presenting me with more topics than I could keep up with. For if ever there was a month of changes, this was it. If ever there was a month that reminded me of reality, mortality, and vulnerability, this was it.

Usually, it's easy to take things for granted. We assume the sun will rise, the moon will shine, and that our friends will be there tomorrow. We foster the illusion that we are in control, that we can govern our lives, and that we know what's best based on our value system. But this past month reminded me that life is not so predictable, controllable or fair.

This was a month of illness and health, birth and death, loss and gain, joy and pain. I saw love and hate, fear and comfort, growth and cessation of growth. I saw young people learn painful lessons about life. Things happened out of the natural order. Teenagers died and elderly, infirmed people lingered wishing for death. Even the power of instincts and morality were unable to change decisions of fate. Through all this chaos, I was reminded of priorities.

In my search for order, the work of Stephen Covey presented itself. In his "First Things First" tape series, Covey suggests that there are four human needs. They are (1) to live, (2) to love, (3) to learn, and (4) to leave a legacy. Here are a few thoughts on the matter.

To Live. This first need refers to that basic of all truths, that we are mortal. We face the question, not of whether we will die, but when we will die. When we least expect it, we face the frailty of our physical bodies. Our physical and emotional systems work together. Without our physical health, our mental health suffers. Without our mental health, we tend to ignore our physical bodies.

To Love. The second need is for intimacy; that is, closeness with another human being. However, love is a double-edged sword. Without love, we are lonely and crave companionship. With love, we balance the joy of passion and commitment against the risk of the pain of loss. We love to love, but we must also bear the cost when love is lost.

To Learn. I know of no better way to increase self-esteem than to learn something new. Its as though our minds have a hunger to learn, and without that stimulation, we turn against ourselves. I advocate taking courses at community colleges, universities, art centers, and hobby centers on a continuing basis to maintain a constant process of learning. This meets a lot of our social needs as well as our needs for creativity. Too many of us act as though learning is just for the young, but I think it takes a certain level of maturity to enjoy and appreciate learning. Learning sparks our interests and self-confidence. Its a gift we give ourselves.

To Leave a Legacy. Each one of our lives count! We may think of ourselves as relatively unimportant in the world, but that is not so. We matter to those who are close to us, and if we choose, we matter to those we help from afar. Our memories are unique and our experiences are valuable. Every day we build the legacy of what we will leave behind in the world. All parents leave a legacy in their children. How we treat our children affects generations in the future. Even when we least expect it, we are teaching by our own examples.

Sometimes it is necessary to reflect on the big picture of our lives. When changes come rapidly, we need to hold on tight and be careful in our choices. In short, we must rely upon ourselves to do the right thing. Getting to know ourselves is a process which unfolds throughout life.

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Last Updated February 27, 1999 by Gary M. Grandon, Ph.D.