From Dr. Jane's Notebook

More Than Book-Bags and New Shoes

Whether we have children or not, few of us can ignore the changes that come with the academic calendar. You may have noticed the bombardment of Back-to-School advertising, the reactivation of traffic lights in school zones, you may have attended one or more new school-year orientations, or you may have helped your young adult move into an apartment or dormitory. Regardless of the stage of their education, most of us cannot help but be affected by these annual changes which mark the end of summer and the beginning of the fall.

However, school is not exactly the same as it used to be. In recent years, acts of school-related violence have changed the way many of us think. In addition to new shoes and book-bags, here are a few more ways to prepare your child for the new school year.

Trust between kids and adults is essential. Frequently, parents complain that their child has either broken their trust or failed to earn their trust. In that parent’s eyes, the child has become untrustworthy and must earn back their parent’s trust. What parents may fail to realize however, is that the development of trust is a two-way street. Frequently, parents fail to earn the trust of their offspring and they too, become untrustworthy in the eyes of their child. In my experience, trouble begins when parents and children lack trust in one another, and children must look elsewhere for support and guidance.

Growing up is a very stressful life task. The process of growing up requires that kids learn things for themselves, which involves quite a bit of trial-and-error. When trust exists, adults may be privileged to observe their child’s struggles. When trust exists, kids may even ask for their parent’s opinion from time to time. But when there is no trust, kids choose to grow and change in silent and cloaked ways far away from the eyes of their parents. Whether they fear their parent’s criticism or have given up on the possibility of ever earning their parent’s trust, they now choose to do their growing up in private.

The value of communication is learned. Ideally, communication leads to positive results and improved relationships. When honesty is rewarded, kids develop good communication habits, confident that telling the truth will always be the better decision. However, when honesty is punished, kids learn to avoid the truth and the habit of lying begins. Like their parents, our kids are quick learners. When telling the truth backfires, kids begin to rethink the value of telling the truth.

To prevent violence, work on parent-child relationships. In order to understand a child, parents must earn the trust of their child and then learn to listen with a sympathetic ear. In most cases, relationships are improved by open communication. However, much confusion arises when parents feel obliged to punish the child who confesses a wrongdoing.

Personally and professionally, I recommend that teaching your child to tell the truth is more important than issuing punishment. No matter how bad the crime may seem, the act of telling the truth should be rewarded by a parent’s love and concern. If a truly serious infraction has occurred, the law or someone other than the parent will no doubt provide sufficient punishment.

One parent I know describes how she found it valuable to think of herself as her child’s attorney. As an attorney who is representing a client, she claims it is not always necessary to judge her child’s behavior in order to help them through difficult times. Sometimes, it is better to wait and discuss a child’s transgressions later on when tempers are relaxed and the whole truth is known.

School violence is not a show of strength, but a sign of weakness that results in lashing out against others. When it comes to preventing violence, parents are in the best position to help their child learn ways to cope with the feelings of helplessness that inevitably arise for students. As parents, part of our job is to help our children survive emotionally. To survive, kids basically need to know that their parents are on their side.

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